Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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