I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
