You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
