u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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