this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
