I'm gonna have a badass scar
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
