Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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