the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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