My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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