Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Randomize
