Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
