you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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