someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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