Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
