I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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