Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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