he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
