This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
