I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
