and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
