She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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