My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
