Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
