they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
