You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
