Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
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I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
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You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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