My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
