ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
