My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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