this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
