they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
