i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
