found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
