I cannot find my penis.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
