thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You are the jesus of drinking
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
