she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
