Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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