i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
