Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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