fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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