Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
