I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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