you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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