Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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