wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
