I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
