do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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