I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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