My first STD was from a foam party
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
and she was petting her beer can
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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