it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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