I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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