I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
