I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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